let yourself fall apart ... now
because now is the time to do so
now is the time to admit defeat
to scream, to cry for the life you didn't live
to cry for the one you are living and
to cry for the one you want to be living instead
life is suffering. life is grieving
grief. grief is the friend that visits you in the middle of the night -
wakes you up at 4 in the morning and doesn't let you go
doesn't allow you to forget about her. because she wants so
badly for you to feel her all the way through. and she won't leave
until you do.
tender, real, soft. breaking you open.
you, a shell that initially resists , but eventually she gets you to
expose your pearl
your vulnerable human nature
you are being broken open every day a little more from the
sadness. the longing. the grief. the loss. the light.
oh... the light that wakes you in the morning that you pretend to be annoyed by
sun beams streaming like gold angel breathe waking you gently from your silent sleep
the light that allows for you to see all there is to see on this sad sad day
the light that the moon offers from her reflections of the sun's gift
the light that is the reason for every single flower you have ever appreciated
and the light that casts impartial shadows
your tears, the ocean, last sunsets,
this marmalade orange sky makes me grateful to be alive.
in
out
in
out
everything in the universe expands and contracts on it's own terms
the why and the how, the fast or the slow of the pendulum swinging from open to close to open again
is a mystery
it is the reason we are still here
it is the rise and fall of breathe
in every moment another death. in each instant a passing away of this moment and
an arriving of the next. we are in liminal space, always pointing towards the next now.
grief becomes us. and we feel her. we breathe her in. we embrace her. we come to
know her as she sits with us in the night. we embody her and we allow her to reveal
her medicine. that she breaks us open to love more deeply, we should be so fortunate.
that we allow her to spin her web so we get caught up in it, forced to completely surrender,
we should pray that she choses us.
so that we can say, we opened out arms to her fullness and we caved in to her desire to merge with
us so completely so we know she is not to be feared but to be revered and bowed to.
to be broken open on a whole new level so that love in all it's many forms may pour in ever deeper in to the 10,000 cracks of our fragile perfectly broken being and we may embrace the sweetness of what it means to be truly alive and fully human.
living. breathing.
loving. feeling. seeing. tasting. smelling. hearing. touching.
expose your pearl
your vulnerable human nature
you are being broken open every day a little more
Friday, August 24, 2018
Monday, August 13, 2018
Waiting for the One, When You Are the One...
Greetings...
Eclipse season is OVER! Yeh! What better time to start a fresh blog! It was starting to feel like the pressure cooker of life was NOT going to let up. I feel relieved and re-inspired to share this new blog with you all.
So, this is my first post on The Journey. My other blog was mainly about consciousness, process of awakening, heart opening, dating foibles and other random topics. This NEW blog, titled The Journey is dedicated primarily to the journey of upleveling in my life through my creative endeavors such as music and other creative projects I am working on.
The reason for The Journey can be broken down into three main intentions:
1. My Transformation - I can use this to chronicle my journey and track my own progress (thus saving lots of $ by not going to therapy ;) )
2. Your Transformation- By writing content rich entries and sharing my own aha & breakthrough moments I can help/inspire anyone who is experiencing similar struggles
3. Connection & Community Transformation- Together we can build a community of support and inspiration to achieve new levels of potential in our lives.
So I am sure there will be many other fruitful outcomes of this site that are unforeseen to me at this moment and I look forward to experiencing what those are.
The first topic I want to dive into and the one that inspired me to start this blog in the first place is centered around the theme of perseverance. I recently started classes at Indigital Studios in Santa Cruz, California. The program is called 365 Producer. It is a year long program that is centered around becoming a recording engineer/producer and live performance artist.
The backstory and the story of "not enough"
I have been in magical thinking around my own musical process and journey. I have been waiting, praying, hoping, wishing and longing for a musical counterpart to contribute to the missing pieces of my musical skills. I have sat idly by for years, waiting for someone else to arrive so that I can really propel my musical career forward without having to do the work myself. My thought for many years as I watched other musical duos rise to a level of fame that I envied, was that if only I could meet or call in my counterpart, I too would rise to that level of fame and recognition. As some of you already know, I was part of a duo called Sweet Medicine with my dear collaborator, Naia Graham. We had a sweet few years together where we played conferences, festivals and events around the bay area. Our voices complimented each other in a way I had never experienced and haven't found since. The medicine music we offered was super special and unique. It lived in the public eye for a chapter of time and it felt good, it felt aligned to be playing out on a regular basis. But I realized it never felt like "enough" for me. I wanted more, I wanted to dive in, I wanted to really go for it. (The story of not enough-ness is one I will tackle in a future post... because it is the shadow belly of the beast of my creative endeavors). But it didn't happen that way. When that project ended due to us both moving away from the bay as well as having different life paths I restarted the magical thinking of waiting for my next counterpart and who would be the new missing piece so I could propel forward musically?
I wrote craigslist ads, I prayed, I drew intention boards, I "opened" myself up to allowing in the perfect "other" to complete my vision for what I wanted to create musically. I was inspired by Deya Dova, Sylvan Esso, Ma Muse, Rising Appalachia, all these beautiful duos who seemed to have the thing I was longing for.
This is not in the far past, this is like 6 months ago! This shit is fresh still which is why it feels super raw and vulnerable to be sharing.
The Dream, the Vision
The realization that my 40th birthday was soon approaching (in 2019) pushed me to look at some confronting realities. Those realities being: I am still single, I don't own a house, I don't have kids or any likely person to have kid(s) with anywhere in my current reality, I am still in credit card debt (albeit so much less so than before whooo hoo!) and honestly the saddest part about it that hit me was that I didn't have the skills to be able to share my art (my music) in the capacity I had been dreaming of for so long. Please don't pity me. I hate feeling pitied. I trust more now than ever that there is a reason I have endured the solo /monk life for so long. I have decided to take my life path as a personal spiritual challenge that has pushed me to the edge of my faith. I have almost let the loneliness crush me into oblivion but the fact that I am writing this means that it didn't. I am in the process of transmuting the self pity, the hopelessness, the fear, the powerlessness, the remnants of victim mentality into strength and courage. My ability to persevere through the loneliness and longing is proof that I am pushing through into a new way of being and seeing the world. A new level of trust in myself and in my life that I have needed to become the counterpart I was waiting for.
Indie folk and the fear of being a solo musician
I have been writing indie folk music since I was 15. That means that for 24 years I have been writing songs that are mostly hidden from the world. I have played my solo material out on a number of occasions I can probably count on 2 hands. I have performed tons of times over the years in other bands, projects, tours, etc but rarely have I played my solo material live by myself. Why??? See below...
Love / Hate - My relationship with the Guitar
I never spent time or was motivated to learn the advanced guitar skills necessary to feel confident to play in public. The "not good enough" monster was always winning in my head. I was and still am terrified to play guitar in front of people. It makes me feel like I am going to have a panic attack just thinking about playing my songs in front of people. As long as I can just sing and not have to play guitar then I am fine. Why so much fear and anxiety around this? I am afraid of being "found" out. I am afraid that people will learn that I am not a good guitarist, that I don't know the musical theory when I am now sharing this and you will ALL know this is my "hang-up". I have spent years trying to learn music theory and then giving up because of lack of motivation, practice and/or interest. I just default back to writing my simple folk songs, leaning on my voice and lyrics to carry the songs. By sharing these revealing truths I am attempting to decrease some of the shame and potency of the somatic experience I have around all of this. The hope and intention is that if I out myself, I can keep moving forward...
Learning and Failing and Learning and Failing
Although I don't even consider myself to be a guitarist I mainly write on guitar. I have spent so many years struggling with the guitar and my convoluted / disappointing relationship with it that of course I have often wondered that maybe there is another instrument out there that I will feel more aligned with? Of course! It's not me, its you (guitar)... ahem...
Well, after trying to take piano lessons at various points in my life because I was convinced that piano was way more "me" than guitar, I have come to the realization that it's not the instrument. It's me. I mean it's about my relationship to learning and failing and learning and failing and not being good at something right away. It's about wanting to be good at something right away without the time and work and energy it takes even the best musicians and artists to be at the level I want to be at. If I want to be really good at something then it's going to take lots of time and focused energy into that thing. I get frustrated and I give up. It's easier to stay at the level I am at on guitar. I don't have to practice much.
HOWEVER...
The Dream and Illusion of the Counterpart
This nagging longing that haunted me daily was that my counterpart was still not here. I felt receptive. I felt really ready to have him/her show up so that I could start playing my songs live and performing again. But in the room of my life was still just me.
Indie folk to Folktronica
As I was looking at my next year of turning 40 and wanting to have something new and substantial to show for it I started looking into programs that would fulfill my vision of the sort of music I have been dreaming of for me and my non-existent counterpart to create together. I have been writing, creating, drafting electronic music for years on garage band and hoping that the special experienced producer would find me (enter magical thinking) and we would become famous together and travel around festies and bringing individuals to new levels of consciousness through our music! Well, the hard realization that that person still hadn't showed up made me look at what I wasn't willing to do to make my own dream happen. If I wanted to make bad-ass electronic music then it was time I learned the skills to make it myself.
Indigital Studios Santa Cruz July 2018 and Ableton
If ever there was a time when I felt stretched to my technical computer software learning abilities it is now. I have been in the 365 Producer program for about 6 weeks now. Learning how to synthesize sound (make specific sounds, beats, etc from sound oscillators and other sound generators), learning Ableton both as a means of recording & production DAW (digital audio workstation) but also eventually as the program that I will use when I perform live - has been working my perseverance muscle to the utmost extreme. I have wanted to quit several times. Ableton at times seems like a beast that can't and will not be tamed. It seems counter intuitive and I often find myself questioning if this is all worth it. But then I make a breakthrough on how to use a certain feature/function and I have a crazy aha moment and then I settle back into knowing that I am on the right path with my choice to be in this program.
Becoming my own counterpart...
So the realization I have been having as of late is that any feeling of waiting I have for someone to come in and help me get to the level I want to get at doesn't work. It hadn't magically produced some other person to show up and do the hard shit for me. Taking the courses and learning Ableton myself will give me the skills and resources to become the counterpart I have been waiting for. The journey is long and winding. There are days I feel unmotivated. Then there are nights I stay up writing folk songs and lullabies instead of electronic music. There are days I don't do any of it because the flow isn't flowing. On the days when there is creative flow from this vessel I am grateful because it's all art and it all has some value to it, no matter the genre.
PS - I almost forgot to mention the elephant in the room (which just proves that this "never enough" monster is so rampant in my life). I am currently about to release my first solo album titled Dreamtrax this November! OMG, I can't believe I am just realizing such a big blind spot. I need to remember there are only so many hours in a day, so many hours you can spend on things. I have to remind myself that I can be gentle on myself like I am with others in regards to their creative journey. (my NEW music website is under construction and will be revealed in next blog post!)
If you feel inspired, curious, have questions or can relate to anything I have written here please comment below or send me an email at emilymaylewis at gmail dot com.
Thanks for reading!
You can listen to my music...
soundcloud & reverbnation
Eclipse season is OVER! Yeh! What better time to start a fresh blog! It was starting to feel like the pressure cooker of life was NOT going to let up. I feel relieved and re-inspired to share this new blog with you all.
So, this is my first post on The Journey. My other blog was mainly about consciousness, process of awakening, heart opening, dating foibles and other random topics. This NEW blog, titled The Journey is dedicated primarily to the journey of upleveling in my life through my creative endeavors such as music and other creative projects I am working on.
The reason for The Journey can be broken down into three main intentions:
1. My Transformation - I can use this to chronicle my journey and track my own progress (thus saving lots of $ by not going to therapy ;) )
2. Your Transformation- By writing content rich entries and sharing my own aha & breakthrough moments I can help/inspire anyone who is experiencing similar struggles
3. Connection & Community Transformation- Together we can build a community of support and inspiration to achieve new levels of potential in our lives.
So I am sure there will be many other fruitful outcomes of this site that are unforeseen to me at this moment and I look forward to experiencing what those are.
The first topic I want to dive into and the one that inspired me to start this blog in the first place is centered around the theme of perseverance. I recently started classes at Indigital Studios in Santa Cruz, California. The program is called 365 Producer. It is a year long program that is centered around becoming a recording engineer/producer and live performance artist.
The backstory and the story of "not enough"
I have been in magical thinking around my own musical process and journey. I have been waiting, praying, hoping, wishing and longing for a musical counterpart to contribute to the missing pieces of my musical skills. I have sat idly by for years, waiting for someone else to arrive so that I can really propel my musical career forward without having to do the work myself. My thought for many years as I watched other musical duos rise to a level of fame that I envied, was that if only I could meet or call in my counterpart, I too would rise to that level of fame and recognition. As some of you already know, I was part of a duo called Sweet Medicine with my dear collaborator, Naia Graham. We had a sweet few years together where we played conferences, festivals and events around the bay area. Our voices complimented each other in a way I had never experienced and haven't found since. The medicine music we offered was super special and unique. It lived in the public eye for a chapter of time and it felt good, it felt aligned to be playing out on a regular basis. But I realized it never felt like "enough" for me. I wanted more, I wanted to dive in, I wanted to really go for it. (The story of not enough-ness is one I will tackle in a future post... because it is the shadow belly of the beast of my creative endeavors). But it didn't happen that way. When that project ended due to us both moving away from the bay as well as having different life paths I restarted the magical thinking of waiting for my next counterpart and who would be the new missing piece so I could propel forward musically?
I wrote craigslist ads, I prayed, I drew intention boards, I "opened" myself up to allowing in the perfect "other" to complete my vision for what I wanted to create musically. I was inspired by Deya Dova, Sylvan Esso, Ma Muse, Rising Appalachia, all these beautiful duos who seemed to have the thing I was longing for.
This is not in the far past, this is like 6 months ago! This shit is fresh still which is why it feels super raw and vulnerable to be sharing.
The Dream, the Vision
The realization that my 40th birthday was soon approaching (in 2019) pushed me to look at some confronting realities. Those realities being: I am still single, I don't own a house, I don't have kids or any likely person to have kid(s) with anywhere in my current reality, I am still in credit card debt (albeit so much less so than before whooo hoo!) and honestly the saddest part about it that hit me was that I didn't have the skills to be able to share my art (my music) in the capacity I had been dreaming of for so long. Please don't pity me. I hate feeling pitied. I trust more now than ever that there is a reason I have endured the solo /monk life for so long. I have decided to take my life path as a personal spiritual challenge that has pushed me to the edge of my faith. I have almost let the loneliness crush me into oblivion but the fact that I am writing this means that it didn't. I am in the process of transmuting the self pity, the hopelessness, the fear, the powerlessness, the remnants of victim mentality into strength and courage. My ability to persevere through the loneliness and longing is proof that I am pushing through into a new way of being and seeing the world. A new level of trust in myself and in my life that I have needed to become the counterpart I was waiting for.
Indie folk and the fear of being a solo musician
I have been writing indie folk music since I was 15. That means that for 24 years I have been writing songs that are mostly hidden from the world. I have played my solo material out on a number of occasions I can probably count on 2 hands. I have performed tons of times over the years in other bands, projects, tours, etc but rarely have I played my solo material live by myself. Why??? See below...
Love / Hate - My relationship with the Guitar
I never spent time or was motivated to learn the advanced guitar skills necessary to feel confident to play in public. The "not good enough" monster was always winning in my head. I was and still am terrified to play guitar in front of people. It makes me feel like I am going to have a panic attack just thinking about playing my songs in front of people. As long as I can just sing and not have to play guitar then I am fine. Why so much fear and anxiety around this? I am afraid of being "found" out. I am afraid that people will learn that I am not a good guitarist, that I don't know the musical theory when I am now sharing this and you will ALL know this is my "hang-up". I have spent years trying to learn music theory and then giving up because of lack of motivation, practice and/or interest. I just default back to writing my simple folk songs, leaning on my voice and lyrics to carry the songs. By sharing these revealing truths I am attempting to decrease some of the shame and potency of the somatic experience I have around all of this. The hope and intention is that if I out myself, I can keep moving forward...
Learning and Failing and Learning and Failing
Although I don't even consider myself to be a guitarist I mainly write on guitar. I have spent so many years struggling with the guitar and my convoluted / disappointing relationship with it that of course I have often wondered that maybe there is another instrument out there that I will feel more aligned with? Of course! It's not me, its you (guitar)... ahem...
Well, after trying to take piano lessons at various points in my life because I was convinced that piano was way more "me" than guitar, I have come to the realization that it's not the instrument. It's me. I mean it's about my relationship to learning and failing and learning and failing and not being good at something right away. It's about wanting to be good at something right away without the time and work and energy it takes even the best musicians and artists to be at the level I want to be at. If I want to be really good at something then it's going to take lots of time and focused energy into that thing. I get frustrated and I give up. It's easier to stay at the level I am at on guitar. I don't have to practice much.
HOWEVER...
The Dream and Illusion of the Counterpart
This nagging longing that haunted me daily was that my counterpart was still not here. I felt receptive. I felt really ready to have him/her show up so that I could start playing my songs live and performing again. But in the room of my life was still just me.
Indie folk to Folktronica
As I was looking at my next year of turning 40 and wanting to have something new and substantial to show for it I started looking into programs that would fulfill my vision of the sort of music I have been dreaming of for me and my non-existent counterpart to create together. I have been writing, creating, drafting electronic music for years on garage band and hoping that the special experienced producer would find me (enter magical thinking) and we would become famous together and travel around festies and bringing individuals to new levels of consciousness through our music! Well, the hard realization that that person still hadn't showed up made me look at what I wasn't willing to do to make my own dream happen. If I wanted to make bad-ass electronic music then it was time I learned the skills to make it myself.
Indigital Studios Santa Cruz July 2018 and Ableton
If ever there was a time when I felt stretched to my technical computer software learning abilities it is now. I have been in the 365 Producer program for about 6 weeks now. Learning how to synthesize sound (make specific sounds, beats, etc from sound oscillators and other sound generators), learning Ableton both as a means of recording & production DAW (digital audio workstation) but also eventually as the program that I will use when I perform live - has been working my perseverance muscle to the utmost extreme. I have wanted to quit several times. Ableton at times seems like a beast that can't and will not be tamed. It seems counter intuitive and I often find myself questioning if this is all worth it. But then I make a breakthrough on how to use a certain feature/function and I have a crazy aha moment and then I settle back into knowing that I am on the right path with my choice to be in this program.
Becoming my own counterpart...
So the realization I have been having as of late is that any feeling of waiting I have for someone to come in and help me get to the level I want to get at doesn't work. It hadn't magically produced some other person to show up and do the hard shit for me. Taking the courses and learning Ableton myself will give me the skills and resources to become the counterpart I have been waiting for. The journey is long and winding. There are days I feel unmotivated. Then there are nights I stay up writing folk songs and lullabies instead of electronic music. There are days I don't do any of it because the flow isn't flowing. On the days when there is creative flow from this vessel I am grateful because it's all art and it all has some value to it, no matter the genre.
PS - I almost forgot to mention the elephant in the room (which just proves that this "never enough" monster is so rampant in my life). I am currently about to release my first solo album titled Dreamtrax this November! OMG, I can't believe I am just realizing such a big blind spot. I need to remember there are only so many hours in a day, so many hours you can spend on things. I have to remind myself that I can be gentle on myself like I am with others in regards to their creative journey. (my NEW music website is under construction and will be revealed in next blog post!)
If you feel inspired, curious, have questions or can relate to anything I have written here please comment below or send me an email at emilymaylewis at gmail dot com.
Thanks for reading!
You can listen to my music...
soundcloud & reverbnation
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)